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What am I doing here anyway? By Frater M.O. | |
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.  I remember in my early teens approaching my father for a serious chat. It lasted a total of ten seconds. I can't remember how I phrased it but I asked about god. What was this thing called life supposed to be about? I do recall his reply. "I had every nun in school break a chalkboard pointer over my head. If you want to know about god get ready for a beating... do you want a beating?" I stood there quietly not knowing what to say and not really wanting a beating. He lumbered away. End of discussion. I had the good sense to never bring up the conversation again. So much for Catholicism.On my mother's side of the family every year we would go have Passover dinner at my Aunt Rose's. Aunt Rose had thick accent from the old country, wiry brillo pad hair and a thin layer of grease that extended from her liver-spotted hands to her elbows. Passover dinner never offered prayer or accouterments, no discussion pertaining to spirit or god. Conversation revolved around gossip and family wounds that never seemed to heal all the while Aunt Rose served everyone broiled chicken and baked apples with her hands. On these holy days I was never talked to directly but asked about via my mother. My grandma would ask directed away from me, "why doesn't he eat more?" I sat quietly because I couldn't say that Aunt Rose is making me sick and I knew one of the four questions (which we didn't ask.) was not, "what the hell is Passover?" My father chain-smoked and a tense time was had by all. It would have been hard to ask any questions, especially ones about the god and the workings of the Universe. We had Christmas trees but I knew I was supposed to be a Jew, at least according to the Christian folks on my father's side of the family. My Jew friends would invite me over on Friday nights to have me change channels on the TV or flip the light switch on or off in their wood paneled dens because I wasn't Jew enough. Who knew what the hell I was. Certainly no one was going to clue me in. My family did the best they could and gave me what they had to give. Unfortunately my desire to at least question the divine and other worlds remained unquenched. Perhaps it was best that I was not given any pearls. In any event, I was going to do the diving myself. Along my path I have wondered how I got to Thelema and my current philosophical status. Well, I bought books on everything from the Old Testament to the Enneagram. Questions weren't answered and only piqued my curiosity for more information. I took classes in astrology and tarot. I volunteered at a local temple, cleaned the micveh out a couple of times... it was disgusting(1). I danced around a cauldron and confessed in a box that I had no intention of foregoing premarital sex. Once I put a plastic Jesus with a magnetized base on the dashboard of my car to proudly display my complete confusion about life and the meaning there of. I think I have exposed myself to most everything... I am proud of that fact. Finding Thelema was a long search and to some degree a compilation of all the other religions and philosophies. Settling upon Christmas or other better-marketed traditions would have been easier and certainly more accepted. I'm sure my father's nuns would be more than happy to beat some sense into me. Today I joyfully do what I need to in order to find Truth and Light. I have only been able to find what is right for me after exploring everything else first. One time I filled out this looong questionnaire from a delightful pseudo-religion and quasi-science organization. Although I had heard more than one story of their questionable tactics, I filled the form out and sent it in anyway. Although I was deemed "normal" by their test results, I reveled in the series of blockheads who took turns trying to convince me why I now needed to pay fifteen thousand dollars using non-professional care to remain "normal". Okay so I wasted an hour of my life I can't get back. However, when I reflect through all the chanting, dancing and micveh cleansing I come to conclusions only possible through my first hand experience. Questions, comments and hate mail are strongly encouraged. By the way these thoughts do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Cor Lucis as a whole or its members... but they might. Love is the law, love under will. (1) Micveh... a ritual bath most commonly used after a woman's menstrual cycle. What the hell was I thinking?
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