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The Outing By Frater M.O. | |
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. I was the "Black Magician". At least that's how I was described for several years by my family to their friends, the neighbors, and anyone else in earshot. I just couldn't understand how something so important to me (a pursuit I considered a noble undertaking) could be dismissed as insignificant and rather stupid. All I was trying to do was let my family in on who I really was. Since my initiation very few outside of my Order knew of my initiation or of my occult involvement. As a means of claiming my identity, I wanted to let a select few people in on my secret. I wanted to claim something I cared about, and to be able to talk about it freely with my loved ones. When I attempted to share my interests with my girlfriend at the time, she locked herself in the bathroom, cried hysterically and flung misguided insults at me for several brutally long hours. She eventually accepted me but we still we broke up over her chronic halitosis. So back to being the "Black Magician". Something I held dearly with intellectual and spiritual fascination was now denigrated to something cartoonishly evil and even worse, pointless. It was viewed with the same seriousness as the Peanuts Halloween Special gone awry. I was angry and a little embarrassed by the whole thing. My decision to enter into the magical arts was not taken lightly and I was certain I wouldn't be able to share my enthusiasm with friends and family without fear of some persecution. It's not like I was one of those guys who gets involved with some weird group just so I could belong somewhere, anywhere. It had occurred to me at the time, my initiation would be thought of as..."he's a great guy, he wouldn't have made this decision without thoroughly thinking it through. It must be worthwhile..." How silly I was to think that the strength of my character would be enough to squelch hundreds of years of misunderstanding and conscious defiling by the frightened mainstream. Unfortunately part of that frightened mainstream is my own family. Was the label "Black Magician" a deliberate attempt to abuse me? Of course not, they just didn't know any better. They have no frame of reference outside of some late night slasher movie starring Vincent Price or a sensationalized news story, or even worse an episode of Jerry Springer entitled "I want to eat human flesh and I'm cheating on my fiancée with Satan". From their point of view, I was now in a cult, probably a fiendish one. Fortunately I live in a large metropolitan city with millions of people representing every possible belief, so I never had the concern of bodily threat that peoples in previous eras endured. The worst consequence was feeling a little clownish. I couldn't overcome hundreds of years of prejudice without proof that my activities had genuine value. Truthfully my word alone simply wasn't good enough for the average person who has never dipped into any form of occultism. Also I had not pursued my own spiritual growth, an integral and very necessary part of a magical practice. What I was doing was more than merely being different, more than some wacky symbolism and scary incantations in an archaic language. With what I knew then, what should I have done differently? Should I have gone underground? Should I have started dressing the part? Maybe some white face make-up dressed in all black with pentagrams, piercings and hanging out at the local Goth club? But it is not my style to wear my philosophical beliefs on my sleeve. For that matter, I don't actually know anyone that fits this kind of stereotypical docudrama occultist. In my experience, most serious occultists are educated, employed, financially solvent and are generally good eggs. They are seekers, often having discarded traditional religions that just didn't work for them. So what happened? I stopped trying to teach the definition of Thelema, the history of the Golden Dawn, and the meaning of Magick. I stopped being a billboard and started being who I was supposed to be. I started consciously to do my Will and do nothing else, which for me is the real challenge. I stopped preaching about what I had been practicing. I found that my being became more interesting to others than my philosophy. Their genuine interest in me led to questions that were directed to my personal transformation. I was finding opportunities to discuss my philosophical views with an interested audience. So what do I do now? I lay low. I let everyone else have his or her ideologies without having a giant debate. I don't have to be painfully condescending to the moon-headed suit-wearing Jesus-loves-you-guy who drops by only as I am just settling into a really good bowel movement. I no longer have to validate my beliefs by forcing them on anyone else. Come to think of it, isn't it always the zealot who hangs himself by his own words? Sort of like a cockroach turning on the kitchen light himself, only to scurry in fright beneath the refrigerator. Am I suggesting going into hiding? Of course not. That would be ridiculous and impractical. I make every effort to present myself as an open, honest, and accepting person, allowing the years of hard work and self exploration to show in who I am, without attempting to validate what I believe. When I live my life by acknowledging the beauty in all philosophy and religion I am an adversary to no one. And when I put it out there that I am in pursuit of being closer to the divine, I find others seek my opinion and ask about my path. I have become a resource for friends who have questions, not just about the occult, but of life. I recently outed myself to a woman I was seeing. She knew me as someone with a genuinely good heart so when it came time to talk about the particulars it didn't matter that I chose the label Thelemite as opposed to something more readily recognized. The transformation in me that came from dedication not only makes my life better but also becomes a pretty good advertisement for the Great Work. Lately I have received a few comments "what have you been doing lately, it must be a new haircut." I try my best to remove the lust of result. I don't feel obligated to spread the "word" nor do I feel as though I have "failed" if that potential candidate didn't work out. I can only say I have had a lot more success in talking about Thelema when I stay out of my own way. I offer a clearer, more concise view without making it heavy or threatening. The results have been a higher degree of success in being accepted by my mainstream friends and potential Thelemites are left with a feeling of far more freedom and lack of pressure to decide what's right for them. And isn't that what it's all about anyway? "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law." Ultimately I have discovered through my experience that I must demystify myself before trying to demystify the mysteries. Should you ask how I got to this place in my life, I can share the path that I took. It may, or may not, be the right path for you. I no longer carry the image of a scary threat-by-association to a scary secret society. Not until the mainstream wants what we have will we receive acceptance by the masses. Until then, the serious magicians among us can present who we really are rather than a silly stereotype, leaving the door ajar for those who would pass through. The door may be opened if you knock. Questions, comments and hate mail are strongly encouraged. By the way these thoughts do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Cor Lucis as a whole or its members... but they might. Love is the law, love under will.
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