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Wanted: Empty Cranium Needs Filling or How Not to be a Genius. By Frater M.O. | |
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.  So there I was walking up to this creepy dark house. I remember thinking I had nothing left to lose after my abject failure as a solitary practitioner ¹. I knew I had a lot to learn. Perhaps going to a lecture or two about magick might help. Maybe I just needed a little direction, a few hints towards enlightenment. This was a big step, as my enormous ego wanted little help. I ducked underneath the sprawling willow tree that covered much of the house from view. I also noted the trees were in desperate need of a trim, as I was sure Lyme ticks had fallen in my hair. In the window I could see dim lighting and shadowy figures lurking about. As I reached the thick wood door with a broken handle I took a deep and final cleansing breath. I knocked on it. A ghostly voice bellowed from within, "Come on in".Nervously I pressed my weight against the door because the door seemed to stick a bit. Voices from within grew louder as the door and I wrestled through the thick pile carpeting of the entranceway and I took my first step into the Western Mysteries. The room wasn't packed but there were several people sitting on the floor for lack of chairs, a few brought their folding lawn furniture. Everyone seemed to know each other already as chatter flew about the room. I buried my nose in a spiral bound notebook I brought as shield to avoid any kind of eye contact and as a distant secondary purpose for note taking. The teacher sat cross-legged in front of a fireplace that contained old photos of people that did not appear to be family. Clearly this guy was a genius... he just looked like one. Bearded, confident and weathered wearing a maroon V-neck sweater and an air of condescension sitting next to a stack of severely dog-eared books. He caught my eye momentarily but only to acknowledge my presence, I didn't feel any more welcome but that was likely my own fault. Saying that I was overwhelmed would have been an understatement. The class started with a review of the previous week's material, which had to do with something deep about a particular tarot card. Questions were asked. The genius' answers were patient and concise all the while adding even more complicated references and concepts. Some guy with way too much nose hair chimed in and made comments about something called gematria and spellings in plenitude. I was completely lost in two seconds and remained that way for much of the evening. Then later someone recited something about, "Tahuti standeth in splendor at the prow..." As I watched everyone around me nodding in some secret but obvious agreement, my only defense was to nod as well. I nodded partly because I felt proud to have gotten that reference a little. It might have been obscure but I love those delicious fake ice cream treats I buy at Trader Joe's. Oh wait, that's Tofutti. By the end of that first class, I remember learning a ton, albeit a ton of disconnected ideas. I was enthralled by the seemingly endless amount of correspondences and symbolic meaning that was being effortlessly tossed about. Mostly flying high above my head. My internal debate of whether or not I should continue going to this class was based solely on the notion that I didn't already know what I was learning. Who wants to establish themselves as the biggest idiot in the room? Well, If you don't know what plenitude, gematria and Tahuti (or tofutti) are... great! Keep reading there's a happy ending. In spite of my fear of looking like the village idiot in front of a room full of occult scholars I continued my interest with magick and Thelema by attending these overwhelming classes. In time I learned and then slowly began to understand. My secret goal of becoming one of the genius people would still take work. I wanted to have it all down, with every aspect of every occult topic committed to memory. To be at the ready to expound at a moments notice... I wanted to have what they had. I studied, took notes and attended classes regularly. I remember thinking how much stuff a ceremonial magician needed to know. I have to admit that after a while, even though I was in awe of the knowledge, I also sometimes felt like I was hearing the phone book recited to me and I was losing consciousness around Abigail Abbot. Dry as crackers, I remember thinking on another occasion. I wondered about how much I had to know to be good ceremonial practitioner. After my initiation I saw how much effort people continued to put into knowledge and correlation. I also began to see some practitioners use this same knowledge and correlation, as something that was to be worn like a war general's medal. Was it all critical information or just obsessive mind porn? I wondered how much of this porn was actually ever part of practice. Did it help? Even though I was questioning what I thought I wanted I still felt inadequate because I still couldn't just be a genius at the drop of a hat. I can't recall when it happened but at some point it did. I forgot about being a genius. I recognized that perhaps my obsessive pursuit of information actually began to cloud my judgment in striving towards embodying Thelema and living a magical life. I was not putting theory into practice as yet. During this time I learned a crucial lesson. Let's just call this, the "I don't give a rats ass" lesson which states... know thyself. I am NOT a genius. I have to be completely honest when I say I am still working out "who's in Grant's tomb?" One day I hope to find out. Just like one-day I hope to have all of those endless correspondences memorized and ancient Egyptian references wrapped in a pretty bow. Truth be told, I've come to accept it is not my strength but I have learned a lot and I continue to absorb more than I ever thought I could. I am a good ritualist. I also choose to practice my Will above everything else. I am grateful for all the knowledge that I have been privy even if I can't memorize it all... Thank the Universe for books! My fraters and sorors are continually a source of information and expertise, but the glue that has held us together is Love, respect, the willingness to work hard and the amazing ability to leave our egos at the door when we meet. I honor that we forget our shortcomings as a reason to exclude ourselves from the big picture and recognize we all work at own pace. This helps me because I can then concentrate on what I need to do in fulfilling my Will. I don't need to feel as though I should be something other than myself. If I need help or direction I have learned to ask for it. Nobody has to be dry as crackers to be well versed and reap the benefits of a Thelemic way of life. I have received so much but I might not have if I wasn't willing to forge ahead even though I wasn't sure how I could contribute to the group. I still don't know how I contribute, I just have faith that I do. I have learned the path to finding and doing my True Will was not found at the bottom of a bucket filled with prime numbers nor was it found at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey. It was found through hard work with the understanding that there is only one path to enlightenment... yours! Questions, comments and hate mail are strongly encouraged. By the way these thoughts do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Cor Lucis as a whole or its members... but they might. ¹ See "Demon in my closet" for further details. Love is the law, love under will.
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