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The Break Up: Thelema Style By Frater M.O. | |
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Forgive me Nuit. Have pity on me Isis and Aphrodite. Valued female Thelemites please cover your eyes for the next half paragraph while I be a guy. This broad was so smoking! Not the usual low-grade garden-variety hose-monkey I was used to making eyes at from across the donut isle at the crowded mini-mart. She was bright, funny and articulate. I felt comfortable in her presence. We shared many wonderful things in common. In fact, I had made a list of all the qualities I hope to find in a woman (an important ritual to learn what I need to thrive.) and discovered she had almost all the uniqueness I yearned for. Historically, I could tell by the first time I held a woman's hand whether or not it would work out. This was a first. I didn't get a run-for-the-hills palm sensation from her. Her gaze at me was loving and complete. I have to admit it scared the bajeebeez out of me. In this relationship, I consciously acted with intention as I would with any working I hoped to be magical. I focused on being the me I wanted to be. I gave her small gifts, brought flowers and told her the way I felt... no games. I took these actions without the expectation or manipulation of getting anything in return. I backed my actions up with ritual, prayer and meditation. Was I the perfect Alan Alda sensitive type circa 1976? Not even close. I am still a guy. But I was doing things in a different way. Things went well for a while and then the once enthusiastic voice on the other end of the phone was less so. My phone messages were returned later and later. I thought there must be something wrong and eventually everything faded into an emotional abyss. Of course, I did what any other self-respecting magician would do in a situation like this. I called the phone company and asked them to repair my line, as I clearly was not getting all my messages. I took further action and got call waiting. In truth I could boil everything down to a single word... "BITCH!" That bitch was breaking up with me. I ran through a gamut of emotions including anger, loneliness, bitterness, betrayal, jealousy, all the usual stuff. I could make all kinds of wild guesses and juicy rationalizations about what happened but that's not what this is all about. What happened to all those wonderful characteristics which captured my attention before she became the "evil bitch"? I added "evil" after the Phone Company said there was nothing wrong with my line and suggested there were more fish in the sea. Much to my chagrin I have to admit all those wonderful qualities remain. The change occurred in my perception after a bruised ego took charge. The once noble magical act had now become an embarrassing waste of time. Ultimately, my natural defense mechanisms needed to justify why things didn't go as I planned by demonizing her instead of accepting the Universal order of things. I secretly fear not getting what I want or losing what I have. Sure, it's cliché but it is true for me. In this case I momentarily placed my self-worth into the hands of another, albeit unconsciously. The end result is I made myself crazy and learned little from the experience. How could I have handled this differently and still acted in accordance with my Will? My first reaction is I want to know "WHY?" in a big way. I thought if I somehow knew all the answers, then I can change (or worse, control) any scenario to my liking. More specifically if I know why she doesn't like me enough then I can take action to change myself to what she does like. Okay, so I am an idiot from time to time. This question of "why" is where I lose myself to begin with. Because what follows is a post-breakup friendship that leaves me with unanswered burning questions and more likely angry resentment. What's cool about being in angry resentment mode is it will justify why I can now be passive aggressive and punitive towards a person I ultimately appreciate and admire. Not quite Thelemic is it? However, If I choose my first actions to be of Love, Will and understanding I come to a very different result. I now must presume that this woman I think highly of is being guided by her Holy Guardian Angel to do her Will, which does not include me as a romantic interest today. Why her HGA doesn't need me around today is none of my concern because if it were, my HGA would guide me to find this truth. It's funny that I still have a relationship with her. Her gaze at me is still loving and complete. I have managed, through an act of Will, to maintain a regret-free, resentment-free relationship that has not lost its closeness. I still have cozy ringside seats in witnessing her process and growth. And yes, she is still so smoking! Perhaps most interesting for me is what attracted us together in the first place still remains... she is a Thelemite, and doesn't even know it... yet. What I have learned through this experience is I may not have control over the outcome. I do however have control over how I manifest what follows. I can make a conscious choice by choosing not to react. I can choose not to allow my temporary emotions to make poor decisions for my life. Questions, comments and hate mail are strongly encouraged. By the way these thoughts do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Cor Lucis as a whole or its members... but they might. Love is the law, love under will.
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