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Afraid So By Frater M.O. | |
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 
He was incredulous to my request to be paid. The neatly typed invoice I held in my sweaty palm remained there. He refused to even look at it. He sited with outrage, "paying your dues... This is how it's done... Consider yourself lucky." For a moment I paused and took a deep cleansing breath. I knew the work I had been doing could lead to a great career but at the same time a little voice asked, "Is this really what I want or need?" I clenched the invoice a little tighter and continued. I suggested I was grateful (and I was) for being paid for what I did on Thursday but now it's Tuesday, I am still working and should be paid. I was met with a furrowed brow and a list of several peers who all had accepted how things are done. His condescending tone was both mocking and shaming. Surprisingly, I left both mocked and shamed. I was dejected not only from the loss of money I had erroneously expected but also because he made it clear that I was not strong enough to "roll with the punches", as he put it. I didn't have enough moxie or grit to accept things as they were. However, when I returned to my home, I came to my senses and picked up the phone to verify his assertions. Who knows? Maybe he was right. Maybe there are dues to be paid although I had been working in this professional long enough to know bullshit when I hear it. Maybe this was how it was done. By the end of the first call I knew he had brazenly taken advantage of me. My first reaction of cutting off his head and sticking it on a post on my lawn faded to I just knew that this career was no longer for me. This realization became, Now what? How will I make money? What will I do? Who would ever hire me? I quickly found myself wallowing in self-pity and the dreaded fear of financial insecurity. To cheer myself up I plopped myself in front of the TV for some pathetic reality programming featuring a cast of sociopaths I would prefer never to know in real life. On a spiritual level I wondered why it needed to happen. Then silently I wondered, maybe it wasn't the work... just the choice of work. I shared my dilemma with the compassionate ears of friends and family. I wanted validation in my decision to quit a lucrative job and my feelings of financial uncertainty to be washed away. Although everyone identified with the uncertainty of my feelings. In actuality I was lying...to them and to myself. I was not worried about paying the bills. I have come to know that despite my atrocious decision making, everything always turns out fine and considerably better than the imaginary scenarios built in my mind. I was worried about something far more insidious. The fear of doing my Will* and nothing else. Ultimately, I couldn't care less about working some crummy gig just for the dough. After all, I lead a magickal life and I do a pretty good job of it. I do my True Will at least outside of a working environment. But I have this nagging feeling I must acknowledge. A secret pulling of doing my Will in every facet of my life. A need to continue to be of more and/or better service. It seems the more I do my Will the more I understand how it applies even to making a living, an even deeper layer of the onion. I now understand how once the True Will is triggered it begins to assert itself upon its owner. It works with the Universe to guide me to the place I belong. I become required to act in accordance of my True Will. Perhaps a strong assertion, but it is my experience. And it can be scary. Becoming exactly who I am and putting aside what I thought I was. When I look back at that career, I think about what I gave up or was pushed from. I am not suggesting that anyone quit his or her job. I am only suggesting the divine path of Will is not only limited to the convenient aspects of life. The fear comes from thinking, "Through understanding my Will I now have greater control over my life, when actually my Will just gets greater control over me. Will takes control when I am afraid of the next obvious step. Shamefully, I already knew that sweaty invoice wouldn't be paid long before the confrontation. Deep inside I believe we all know when we are not striving for what we need. I am finally putting my money where my mouth is and trusting the path I will walk. Questions, comments and hate mail are strongly encouraged. By the way these thoughts do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Cor Lucis as a whole or its members... but they might. Love is the law, love under will. * Will: If you are new to the idea of Will with a capital "W" please checkout "A Taste of Will and blueberries" for clarification.
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